...a monthly eZine

Dr. Pamela Armstrong
Psychologist, Therapist and Kolbe™ Coach

Welcome to ZIGZAG!

When I was a child, I remember being fascinated by the pinking shears my mom would use to keep the raw edges of fabric from fraying. The shears were more heavy-duty than regular scissors, and somehow I felt that meant they were more important. Funny how the mind works.

This new Ezine will be called ZIGZAG because I like the letter Z and it is underused. But also I think most of us zig and zag all day long, and may wonder at the end of the day what the results really were.

Another sidebar--I looked up pinking shears and discovered that nobody really knows where the word for the color PINK came from, except that a flowering plant in the carnation family is called PINK, and the color may have been named after those flowers.

So the pinking refers to the zigzag or scalloped edges of the pink's petals. The shears produce an edge similar to the flower's edge!

So here we go--I hope to make this Ezine short and lively, so it will give you energy to keep zigging and zagging at the same time that you are pursuing your passion.

ABOUT COACHES AND MENTORS...

Many of us like to “march to our own drummer”. This can be seen as the ultimate expression of our individuality. I was a “strong-willed” child and I would have hated to be one of my parents, honestly, for that reason. They had some trouble understanding the ways in which I tested the limits, whereas my beloved sister, being the oldest, was more likely to play by the rules and to excel in the most visible ways.

Ironically, I spent a lot of time in school and completed a PhD degree. As I look back, I realize that I needed all that structure in order to keep learning. And in the end, I needed to know what the “conventional wisdom” was so that I could be certain what I was rebelling against. (I don't actually disagree with all that wisdom, but I tend to view it as a jumping-off point for innovation.)

So a similar type of realization has come to me about personal growth as an adult. I need structure and pressure to continue to learn and grow, and that does not really come packaged in the usual Continuing Education seminars that are required of us as professionals. There was a vital ingredient missing.

That ingredient is the coaching and mentoring which is tailored to me as a person. This type of coaching/mentoring relationship with others has the power to move me toward my ultimate goals, both in my career and in my life. I am certainly not immune from needing this just because of my training and my talent for helping others!

I have found people who make themselves available to me and whose feedback and encouragement have made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my momentum. There is really no hierarchical structure to these relationships. There is no servant and master. There is only the commitment to grow and learn together. Sometimes enriching friendships are coaching relationships, where you take turns with the feedback and encouragement. Sometimes the relationships are more formal, and there is a fee involved.

As a therapist, I learned that you must walk the path together, and the therapist is not always leading the way. The key is the availability and the commitment to reach the destination. So I am receiving full benefit from being coached now, and my motto is “Pass it on!” There is strength in numbers, and although we are on individual paths, we are also ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. Empowerment is contagious.

“There go my people. I must find out where they are going so I can lead them.”
--Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin

NEW GRATITUDE

January is a test of many things. I am more aware this year of what is truly important. My meditation in the mornings is about what is present already in my life. The gray outside is the contrast. In winter there is a natural drawing in of our energy so that it can be conserved and carefully channeled into the growth we desire as spring returns. As much as I love the idea of living in an “ideal” 12-month 70 degree climate, I know that the seasons are actually very good for me.

I do find darkness a bit depressing, but I would find “the land of the midnight sun” quite rattling. A certain amount of vegetating provides a space to take inventory and to regenerate. I think we need a relationship with our blankets and pillows and pajamas and fuzzy socks. When we are not striving toward a purpose, we are being still.

“To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”  --Lao Tzu

Balance can be everything. Enough is enough, they say.

“After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.”  --Veronica Shoffstall

In a world of linear thinking, the circle is where we can find both acceptance and power.

“The power of the world always works in circles, and everything tries to be round... Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood and so it is in everything where power moves.”   -- Black Elk, Lakota holy man

And finally, we need to reconnect to the source of our wisdom, which is in nature.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”   -- Lao Tzu

THE SPIRAL NATURE OF GROWTH

One of the most profound ideas I have run across is the idea that we do not grow up from one stage into another in some kind of permanent fashion. We know that children tend to slide backwards a bit as they are entering a new phase of growth (like entering elementary school, middle school, high school, and even college). I tell parents that children always want to be sure that the parent will be there for them, in the way they were when the child was more dependent, JUST IN CASE. Children usually “pull up their socks” and decide to function at their real age eventually (with reminders by us), but may need that reassurance for a while that they will not be emotionally abandoned just because they can do things for themselves.

I usually tell children that it is natural to feel several different ages at once, and as a matter of fact, we tend to revisit being two years old when we are twelve, three years old when we are thirteen, etc. These experiences can be particularly harrowing for parents who are quite busy. The expectations for the child are set up and put neatly into a calendar or PDA of some sort, and the child's regression is quite inconvenient, or worse. Suddenly Junior is taking four hours to do a one-hour task because he is reverting to the resistance--the “push-pull”--of a younger child.

We also tend to have this cultural idea of the “ideal” child and are wondering why OUR household has this unique affliction of Junior's regression. This is another place where we need to TRUST THE PROCESS. Yes, maybe it's normal to flash on the fear of FAILING TO LAUNCH your child successfully into the next phase. But you need to avoid comparing the inside of your house to the outside of somebody else's house. You need the reality check of having honest and open friendships with parents whose children are of a similar age.

I think a similar principle applies to our growth as adults. We tend to apply pressure to ourselves and then keep ourselves on trial. Often the path toward our goals is actually a slightly meandering one, just like a work of art often is. There is a need for us to TRUST OUR PROCESS, which often does not lend itself to being micromanaged.

We may find ourselves automatically having the same old thoughts and feelings we used to have, even though we have read Wayne Dyer's “The Power of Intention” and also watched “The Secret”. We may feel stuck even though we have fabulous friendships with women who lovingly hold us accountable.

So here's what I find helpful--the idea that growth, just like enlightenment about our past, may be happening in a spiral fashion. We revisit the same territory, but our vantage point is from a slightly higher piece of ground, so that the view is different. If we can be accepting and patient as we revisit the same territory (which can be something so simple as a bad habit) we can be more peaceful and positive about our “upward spiral” and less afraid of sliding back into the past.

Thanks for reading Zigzag. Please forward this Ezine to any friends who may share your interest.

Dr Pam is a psychologist, therapist, and Kolbe™ coach. She can be reached at www.instinctivecoach.com

Her office is located in Elkridge, MD. Her phone number is 410-995-0760.

Her weekly Internet-based radio show “Do You Mind?” will be starting in January 2008 at: www.vivacitymedia.com

The times for the show will be posted on that website soon.

To submit questions and topics for the radio show, visit Dr. Pam's website. Those shows will also be made available for purchase as podcasts on her site.

All content © Copyright 2008 - Dr. Pamela Armstrong. All rights reserved.