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Dr. Pamela Armstrong
Psychologist, Therapist and Kolbe™ Coach

…add a healthy dollop of shame

Okay, so this might be a hot topic, but here goes. I have been struck by how relevant the word SHAMELESS is these days.

Somewhere along the way, during my time on the planet, having a sense of shame became downright UNHIP. And I wonder what has gotten lost along with that. It might be a long list.

In this article I want to argue that shame may need a makeover of some kind, but it is actually a vital element in our ethical framework as human beings, as we are also spirits needing to grow, but searching for meaningful directions in which to grow.

Now I want to be clear… I think that humans need to be carefully taught to have a conscience, to care about the impact they have on others. A certain amount of shame is bound to be experienced by children, just by feeling socially embarrassed, caught stealing, cheating or lying, etc. Often these experiences live on as vivid memories and cause people to overreact later to experiences which should only be slightly embarrassing.

Shame has been a powerful, if overused, tool to control the behavior of children as they are growing up. Shaming families and shaming schools, churches and other environments often have good intentions. But in the end, as adults it may be important to reevaluate what we truly see as shameful.

After all, we need to take ownership and set our own standards for what a good enough person is. And how a good enough person can create a good enough family, and a good enough small business, and good enough friendships. Part of that process involves going back and examining which behaviors have been labeled GOOD and BAD by our parents and other major authority figures. Once we reevaluate, it is much easier to (1) embrace the wonderful mixture of good and not-so-fabulous that we (all) are; (2) seek real peace about our regrets and guilty feelings related to past mistakes; (3) seek forgiveness and make amends as needed; (4) put future mistakes in better perspective; (5) stop blushing so easily; and (6) sleep better at night.

Sometimes I work with people to help them see that to be healthy, they in fact can’t AVOID causing harm in some small way as they move through life. Some people actually have to learn that they have the right to be wrong, that they have the right to be angry, to be annoying, to be imperfect, to disappoint others, to make others angry, even in some cases to “make” others feel devastated. They also have the right to need help and support. These are generally people who were taught to be inhibited, to contain themselves, to require very little attention and maintenance, to be a “good citizen”.

In our society we actually have a LOT of very good citizens. I don’t really think they get very much publicity.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who in fact find ethical standards to be a gross inconvenience, to be an outdated idea. They may be called many things. Some of them have been worshipped as corporate geniuses. They may see themselves as having a creative gift, an ability to see the future, an ability to SHAPE the future, to capitalize on all that, and to help others capitalize on all that.

Greed occurs when we become unable to rein in ambition. It occurs when we lose a sense of our own vulnerability, our own interconnectedness. It occurs when we think we can buy our way out of any problem, that we can pay enough to be cared for and safe in our old age even when we have ruined many lives by our actions.

Satisfying our greed may make us feel temporarily quite powerful, but there are certain universal laws that parents often try to teach like “enough is enough”. That means that you can actually get too much of ANYTHING. But it also means that there is joy in sharing, empowering others, and giving of yourself. That balance is a really good goal.

Reining ourselves in has a payoff, because it helps us to live within limits. We have been slowly losing our grip on what reasonable limits really are. We have been “having it all” and pretending we didn’t have to make choices.

Children watch more what we do than what we say. So what exactly is being portrayed to them? Are we spending the time to help them think for themselves, or are they being taught to CONSUME? Can they engage in reflection and calming activities, or are they in constant need of stimulation? Can they identify and process feelings, or are they acting them out (on themselves or others)? Are they watching so much acting out on videogames and on “reality shows” that they think it is normal?

Every day our beliefs about what is going on, what is urgent, and what is important are being shaped by the electronic media. I am reminded of a futuristic book written years ago entitled “The Medium is the Message”, by Marshall McLuhan. He suggested that the medium that provides us information shapes how we perceive the message. He stated that technology shapes our values, norms and ways of doing things. He said this will have “unanticipated consequences”.

Often I see families who struggle to pay the bills for all the electronics they see as necessities, and yet do not take the time to communicate with each other. I see children who cannot connect the lessons at school with other experiences they have had because nobody has helped them see the connection. I see adolescents who lose sleep because they can’t stop texting.

In my case, I am learning to communicate using only 140 characters on Twitter. Some people seem to Twitter all day. I, on the other hand, am working on my first book, so I will be seen as frightfully inactive by the profilers on Twitter. Oh well…I gotta be me!

Thanks for reading ZigZag--

Pam

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Dr Pam is a psychologist, therapist, and Kolbe™ coach. She can be reached at www.instinctivecoach.com

Her office is located in Elkridge, MD. Her phone number is 410-995-0760.

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